Christmas Meal

Christmas Meal

Subject: Christmas Meal

FROM: Margaret Couper, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on

December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill

House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small

band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be

surprised if our grade 3 turns up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree

will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at

that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of

gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A

special announcement will be made by our Head of Group at that time! Merry

Christmas to you and your family.

Margaret.

FROM: Margaret Couper, Human Resources Director

TO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We

recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with

Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're

calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other

employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation

Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We

will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy

Holidays to you and your family.

Margaret

FROM: Margaret Couper, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to

accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA

Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed

since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and executives

believe £10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Margaret Couper, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until

the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in

little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and

pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are

allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men;

each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for

the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no

cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the

salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure

to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the

restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss

anything?!?!?

Margaret.

FROM: Margaret Couper, Human Resources Director

TO: All #%&$ing Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly

at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,

and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you

know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've

heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a

rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! The

Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Couper, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Margaret Couper and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Margaret Couper a speedy recovery

and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management

has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of

the 23rd off with full pay.